To quell panic and dismay raised over Wednesday's terrorism raids in Melbourne and Colac, the Government has taken the following steps:
All Base Security Levels have been raised from "She'll Be Right" to "Yeah... Righto";
Chubb / ESS / Serco Security personnel have been provided with bigger flashlights and a thermos of Minestrone for each shift;
Local Neighbour Watch Groups have been mobilised to provide internal base security patrols; and
Inspector Rex (Germany's most experienced counter-terrorism expert) is being rushed to Australia to aid the ongoing investigation. He'll be immediately put into action once he's released from Customs, and has been wormed.
Remember be vigilant. "Cocked eyebrows save lives."
Office of Homeland and National Overreaction
Ph: (02) 6054 2666
Fax: (02) 6054 3666
Email: panic@oh no.gov.au